I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. But now they seem different, rebilitated. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. Its amazing how familiar that sounds, Maeve. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. As time went on, it just became my way of being to be able to take up for or care of myself when someone was treating me badly. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. Lol. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. Block this idiot. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. Whenever you have a thought, track it. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. They run rampant on dating sites. Yet, He forgives. Not the past. We were supposed to discuss this on a Tuesday morning, but on the Monday night, I received this text message, I know I said that we would talk in the morning but I wont be able to do that. Ready. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. The Difference Between Holding a Grudge and Setting a Boundary I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I deal with this a lot. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Faith that God will make things right, that God has a plan and that God is good. It focuses on the wrong thing. I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. Didnt I Mean Something To Them? Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. Youve said it a million times: No thanks, I dont want to do it. Youve told someone they have hurt you or been unfair. I hear you, and I know you are right. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Improved heart health. Forgiving is not always easy - especially if you have experienced . Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. Yoghurt- Thank you. Stay away. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. He will tell you a bunch of shitty lies anyway. I dont forget. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. Otherwise, it will burn. Forgiveness is letting go. I hope youre doing great!! I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. 0 The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge - Verywell Mind Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. Wondering how to escape a narcissist, be very careful. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. It was an amazing feeling finally saying how I really felt, Natalie is right I always felt that when I heard from him that I wouldnt have the strength to ever really say no, but I found out I actually did have, that deep down I was done with it all, it just took me a while to realise itmy daughter really dislikes him because of how he treated me and I didnt want her to ever look down on me for not being able to stand up for myself. Thank you. Thats what happened. When we hold a grudge, we. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. The Golden Rule. Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Precisely! Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. Grudges are toxic to relationships. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Thank you. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. dont care, dont care, dont care. But thats just me. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. It's understandable. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? I was misguided and blind. pull the focus back on you.) I really like this guy. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. And that means that sometimes you might get upset over things that really aren't related to what you're actually upset about. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. But I will feel better! It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. Its like my old AC all over again. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. What's the opposite of holding a grudge? | Mumsnet Probably. Thanks for your well thought out post. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. document.getElementById( "ak_js_4" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. Youre right. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. You will always remember. Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. Could you start up a relationship w someone who you did drugs w for years Finally get clean, and after all that damage and pain, try to be w them again? Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. Anyway, hope that helps, Rosie. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. If hes so happy with her why bother calling you?). You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. I forgive him and have prayed about it. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. hes a carbon copy of many of the people discussed on this site; not so special or unique! You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. I work alone and am not in a relationship. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". Why? Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. Maybe not forever, but for a season. He didnt care about you before, so why would he care now? You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. What is the difference between Holding a Grudge and Seeing a Pattern Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. I knowtime heals all wounds. But he didnt make chumps. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. Signs You're Holding a Grudge Even If You Don't Think You Are - Insider